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Kırık Link Bildir! #304326 08-06-2008 05:20 GMT-1 saat Jim and Mary were both patients in a Mental Hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom and stayed there. Mary promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out.
When the medical director became aware of Mary's heroic act he immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital as he now considered her to be mentally stable. When he went to tell Mary the news he said, "Mary, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged because since you were able to jump in and save the life of another patient, I think you've regained your senses. The bad news is Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself with his bathrobe belt in the bathroom. I am so sorry, but he's dead."
Mary replied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry."
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A pregnant woman gets into a car accident and falls into a deep coma.
Asleep for nearly six months, she wakes up and sees that she is no longer pregnant. Frantically, she asks the doctor about her baby.
The doctor replies, "Ma'am, you had twins! A boy and a girl. The babies are fine. Your brother came in and named them."
The woman thinks to herself, "Oh no, not my brother -- he's an idiot!" Expecting the worst, she asks the doctor, "Well, what's the girl's name?"
"Denise," the doctor says.
The new mother thinks, "Wow, that's not a bad name! Guess I was wrong about my brother. I like Denise!" Then she asks the doctor, "What's the boy's name?"
The doctor replies, DeNephew.
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His pediatrician asked six-year-old Johnny, who watched a good many TV, adds, just to make conversation. Johnny, if you found a couple of dollars and had to spend them, what would you buy?
A box of Tampax, he replied without hesitation.
Tampax? said the doctor. What would you do with that?
Well, said Johnny, I do not know exactly, but it's sure worth two dollars.
With tampax, it says on TV, you can go swimming, go horseback riding, and also go skating, any time you want to.
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This guy goes into a doctor's office. The doctor says, "Oh, Mr. Jones! We have the results of your test. Do you want the bad news first or the very bad news?" The guy shrugs and says, "Well I guess I'll have the bad news first." "Well the bad news is, you have 24 hours to live," the doctor replies. The man is distraught, "24 hours to live? That's horrible! What could be worse than that? What's the VERY bad news?" The doctor folds his hands and sighs, "The very bad news is...I've been trying to contact you since yesterday."
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A young woman went to her doctor complaining of pain.
"Where are you hurting?" asked the doctor."You have to help me, I hurt all over", said the woman.
"What do you mean, all over?" asked the doctor, "be a little more specific."
The woman touched her right knee with her index finger and yelled, "Ow, that hurts." Then she touched her left cheek and again yelled, "Ouch! That hurts, too." Then she touched her right earlobe, "Ow, even THAT hurts", she cried. The doctor checked her thoughtfully for a moment and told her his diagnosis, "You have a broken finger."
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A lawyer was cross-examining the doctor about whether or not he had checked the pulse of the deceased before he signed the death certificate. "No," the doctor said. "I did not check his pulse." "And did you listen for a heartbeat?" asked the lawyer. "No I did not," the doctor said. "So," said the lawyer, "when you signed the death certificate, you had not taken steps to make sure he was dead." The doctor said, "Well, let me put it this way. The man's brain was in a jar on my desk but, for all I know, he could be out practicing law somewhere."
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A mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a Harley
motorcycle when he spotted a well-known heart surgeon in his shop.
The surgeon was there, waiting for the service manager to come and take a look at his bike.
The mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey, Doc, can I ask you a question?"
The surgeon a bit surprised, walked over to the mechanic working on the motorcycle. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, "So Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take valves out, fix 'em, put 'em back in, and when I finish, it works just like new. So how come I get such a small salary and you get the really big bucks, when you and I are doing basically the same work?"
The surgeon paused, smiled and leaned over, and whispered to the mechanic...
"Try doing it with the engine running."
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A man walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what he had. He replied, "I got shingles."
She said, "Fill out this form and supply your name, address, medical insurance number. When you're done, please take a seat."
Fifteen minutes later a nurse's aide came out and asked him what he had. He said, "I got shingles."
So she took down his height, weight, and complete medical history, then said, "Change into this gown and wait in the examining room."
A half hour later a nurse came in and asked him what he had. He said, "I got shingles."
So she gave him a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, and told him to wait for the doctor.
An hour later the doctor came in and asked him what he had. He said, "Shingles."
The doctor gave him a full-cavity examination, and then said, "I just checked you out thoroughly, and I can't find shingles anywhere. " The man replied, "They're outside in the truck. Where do you want them?"
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Jay went to a psychiatrist. Doc, he said, I've got trouble.
Every time I get into bed I think there is somebody under it.
I get under the bed; I think there's somebody on top of it.
Top, under, under top. I'm going crazy!
Just put yourself in my hands for two years, said the shrink.
Come to me three times a week and I'll cure you.
How much do you charge?
A hundred dollars per visit.
I'll think about it.
Jay never went back. Some time later he met the doctor on the street.
Why didn't you ever come to see me again? Asked the psychiatrist.
For a hundred buck a visit? A bartender cured me for 10 dollars.
Is that so! How?
He told me to cut the legs off the bed.
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A new miracle doctor was in town. He could cure anything and anybody, and everyone was amazed. Everyone except for Mr. Smith, the town's grouch So Mr. Smith went to this 'miracle doctor' to prove that he wasn't anybody special. So he goes and tells the doctor, "Hey, doc, I have lost my sense of taste. I can't taste nothing', so what are you going to do?"
The doctor scratches his head and mumbles to himself a little, then tells Mr. Smith, "What you need is jar number 43."
Jar number 43? Mr. Smith wonders. So the doctor brings the jar and tells Mr. Smith to taste it. He tastes it and immediately spits it out, "This is gross!" he yells.
"I just restored your sense of taste Mr. Smith," says the doctor.
So Mr. Smith goes home very mad. One month later, Mr. Smith goes back to the doctor along with a new problem, "Doc," he starts, "I can't remember!"
Thinking he got the doctor, the doctor scratches his head and mumbles to himself a little and tells Mr. Smith, "What you need is jar number 43..."
Before the doctor finished his sentence, Mr. Smith fled the office.
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His pediatrician asked six-year-old Johnny, who watched a good many TV, adds, just to make conversation. Johnny, if you found a couple of dollars and had to spend them, what would you buy?
A box of Tampax, he replied without hesitation.
Tampax? said the doctor. What would you do with that?
Well, said Johnny, I do not know exactly, but it's sure worth two dollars.
With tampax, it says on TV, you can go swimming, go horseback riding, and also go skating, any time you want to.
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A man hasn't been feeling well, so he goes to his doctor for a complete checkup. Afterward, the doctor comes out with the results.
"I'm afraid I have some very bad news," the doctor says. "You're dying, and you don't have much time left."
"Oh, that's terrible!" says the man. "Give it to me straight, Doc. How long have I got?"
"Ten," the doctor says sadly.
"Ten?" the man asks. "Ten what? Months? Weeks? What?!"
"Nine..."
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While getting a checkup, a man tells his doctor that he thinks his wife is losing her hearing. The doctor says, "You should do a simple test. Stand about 15 feet behind your wife and say 'honey?' Move 3 feet closer and do it again. Keep moving 3 feet closer until she finally responds." Remember how close you were when she gives you an answer. That will help me know how bad her hearing loss is.
About a month later the same guy is at the doctor again and the doctor asks, "Well, did you do that experiment with your wife's hearing? The man says "yes". "How close did you get before she answered?" "Well, by the time I got about 3 feet away she just turned around and said "For the FIFTH TIME... WHAT???"
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Five doctors went to on a duck hunt: a GP, a pediatrician, a psychiatrist, a surgeon, and a pathologist. After a while a bird came winging overhead, the GP raised his shogun but didn't shoot because he wasn't sure if it was a duck or not. The pediatrician also raised his gun, but then he wasn't sure if it was a male or female duck, so he didn't shoot. The psychiatrist raised his gun and then thought, I know that's a duck, but does the duck know it's a duck? The surgeon was the only one who shot. Boom!! He blew it away. Then he turned to the pathologist and said, Go see if that was a duck.
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Somehow we always think we are aging at a slower rate than everyone else, this was true of this older woman who is seeing a doctor for the first time.
She was taken into a room and told to make herself comfortable. While reading the doctor's diploma on the wall, she realizes that she went to high school with him many years ago.
The doctor enters the room; he is very gray, and slightly bent over from old age, and says hello, how can I help you?
The woman asks; Did you attend Roosevelt High School?
Yes I did, the doctor answered.
She asks: Class of 49? Yes I was, was the answered.
The woman was delighted, and said: You were in my class!
The doctor responded: What did you teach?
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Patient: Doctor, doctor I have only 58 seconds to live!!!!!!
Doctor: I'll be with you in a minute
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Things Not to Hear During Surgery,Part I Darn, there go the lights again...
Ya know, there's big money in kidneys. Heck, the guy's got two of 'em.
Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens!
Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy.
Someone call the janitor - we're going to need a mop.
Bo! Bo! Come back with that! Bad Dog!
Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?
Hand me that....uh....that uh....thingie.
Oh no! I just lost my Rolex.
Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived 500ml of this stuff before?
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Things Not to Hear During Surgery,Part I I Could you stop that thing from beating? It's throwing my concentration off..
What's this doing here?
I hate it when they're missing stuff in here.
That's cool! Now can you make his leg twitch?!
I wish I hadn't forgotten my glasses.
Well folks, this will be an experiment for us all.
Sterile, shcmerile. The floor's clean, right?
Anyone see where I left that scalpel?
This patient has already had some kids, am I correct?
Nurse, did this patient sign the organ donation card?
Don't worry. I think it is sharp enough.
FIRE! FIRE! Everyone get out now!!
Darn! Page 47 of the manual is missing!
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Peter called his doctor's office for an appointment. I'm sorry, said the receptionist, we can't fit you in for at least two weeks.
But I could be dead by then!
No problem. If your wife lets us know, we'll cancel the appointment.
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A man goes to see his doctor. The doctor asks what is wrong and the man says, "Doctor, I think I'm a moth." To this the doctor responds, "You think you're a moth? Well I don't think you need a doctor. Sounds like what you need is a therapist." "Yeah I know," replies the patient. "I was on my way to see a therapist, but I came in here because I saw your light was on."
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A man goes to the doctor and says, "Doc., everytime I drink coffee, I get terrible pains in my eye."
The doctor says, "Try taking the spoon out first."
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A man is surprised to receives a call from his doctor.
The doctor says, "I'm sorry, but I have some bad news and some worse news."
"Well, alright, give me the bad news first," said the man.
"Well," said the doctor, "The bad news is that you only have 24 hours to live."
"Holy Cow! That is some bad news!" the man exclaimed. "What news could be worse than that?" he asked.
"The worse news is that I have been trying to reach you since yesterday."
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A man walks into the psychiatrist's office with a zucchini up his nose, a cucumber in his left ear, and a breadstick in his right ear. He says, What is wrong with me?
The psychiatrist replies, You are not eating properly.
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This guy went to see a highly recommend psychiatrist. The doctor showed the man an inkblot and asked, "What does this remind you of?"
The guy replied, "A naked woman." Then the shrink showed the man another inkblot and asked the guy the same question. The guy responded, "A naked woman on a bed." This went on and on, inkblot after inkblot.
The psychiatrist finally said to the guy, "You are a sick pervert." The guy replied, "I'm not the pervert here. You're the one who keeps showing me all those dirty pictures."
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A couple was making their first doctors visit prior to the birth of their first child. After the exam, the doctor took a small stamp and stamped the wife's stomach with indelible ink. The man and his wife were curious about what the stamp was for, so when they got home, the man took out his magnifying glass to try to see what is was. In very small letters, the stamp said, When you can read this, come back and see me.
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A man walks into a doctor's office with a stick of celery in one ear, a carrot in the other and a grape up his nose. Confused, the man asks: "Doctor what's wrong with me?" The doctor looks at the man and replies: "You're not eating properly!"
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Patient: "What are the chances of my recovering doctor?"
Doctor: "One hundred percent. Medical records show that nine out of ten
people die of the disease you have. "Yours is the tenth case I've treated;
the others all died."
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"Doctor, Doctor, You've got to help me - I just can't stop my hands shaking!"
"Do you drink a lot?"
"Not really - I spill most of it!"
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